Ramblings

This made me laugh. We've all been down shit creek a time or two, huh?

I just read a great article written by a woman who developed cardiomyopathy and congestive heart failure after the birth of her baby, and how she chose to thrive rather than just survive and it really resonated with me. I think we all go into survival mode when something traumatic happens, or we are going through a rough patch in life. I personally have known pure survival mode twice. Once with infertility and all the IVF treatments I endured, and now, still dealing with the lasting effects of my TIAs (mini-strokes) and the coil embolization I had done to treat my pulmonary AVMs. Though most of my physical effects have subsided, and the only physical reminders I have is some slight chest pain and left arm and hand fatigue, the lasting and by far most severe effects have been the mental effects. Though I didn't come close to death, or have a "near death experience" by any means, when my initial TIA happened, I really truly thought I was dying of a massive stroke because of my previous work in the medical field, in particular in cardiology and how incredibly severe my TIA was with total left sided paralysis among the facial drooping and slurred speech. I knew way to much about what was probably happening to me. And it didn't help that my mind was completely clear. Over these past couple of months its been hard to readjust to a normal way of thinking. Every little headache, every slight tingle or tickle on my face, every time I can't quite get a word out right I am thrown right back into that night and panic takes over. Every time my arm gets tired, or my chest hurts when I've picked up the kids one too many times that day, I am reminded. I found myself slipping into an endless cycle of reliving every aspect of what happened over and over. Instead of celebrating that I will have no lasting effects, and that I am incredibly lucky this happened because my AVMs were found and fixed so I don't go on to have a massive stroke later in life, I was looking at the negative. I was surviving.

This got me thinking about my experience with infertility and IVF. That was an incredibly trying time in my life. It took over my life for many years. I know a lot of readers follow along because they found me from our fertility clinic's website, and I want to say that it does fade. The aching pain you get in your gut when your friend is pregnant and you want so badly to be happy for her but you're just too sad for you to be genuine, will fade. Every time you cried when you got your period, or your pregnancy test was negative after so much hope that month, those tears will fade. The longing, the anger, the sadness, it will all fade. I promise. Now that I look back on my experience with IVF and infertility, instead of all those negative feelings, I feel proud. I survived and went on to thrive. So I find myself drawing on that experience to help me with my current issues. I know that it will take time, but I will thrive.


I can't control the future. I just can't. All I can do try to live the healthiest, most positive fun life that I can and the rest isn't up to me. We are all just along for the ride on this crazy roller coaster of life, so I guess I better just buckle up and enjoy the ride.