Infertility - An Open Letter

Since our IVF/Infertility success story has been published on the Pacific NW Fertility website, I have been receiving a lot of traffic on my blog from readers who came from that website and e-mails from people who are looking for advice, and words of encouragement. When we started our journey, I was put in touch with a wonderful woman who had walked the road of infertility, and her e-mails are priceless to me. She got it. I will treasure and keep those e-mails forever. They absolutely got me through the tough times. The funny thing is, I have never even met her...and she had such a huge impact on my life. Sarah if you happen to read this, THANK YOU. I don't know a lot of the people who read my blog, or who e-mail me...but I absolutely want to help in any way that I can. So in the spirit of paying it forward...here's an open letter from me to anyone who needs it as much as I did.

Dear Friend,

I bet you never thought you'd be sitting there on your computer researching infertility, IUI, IVF, or anything fertility related. I bet you didn't think you would desperately search for statistics on false negative pregnancy tests, supplements to help conceive a baby, stories of woman who after years of trying happen to get pregnant, or blogs like this where someone has undergone fertility treatments and finally had success. You're searching for answers. You're searching for understanding. Hell, you're searching for hope.

I bet you get asked all the time, "When are you going to finally have a baby?".

I bet you get told all the time, "Just quit trying! Relax, it'll happen!"

I bet you feel kicked in the gut every time you see a pregnant woman not taking care of herself, or a family that doesn't care about their kids. Who don't appreciate what miracles they are. 
I bet you feel incredibly guilty when you receive a baby shower invitation, or a friend tells you she's pregnant, and you're so sad for yourself, that you can't bring yourself to celebrate their miracle.

I bet you're thinking, "Why me? What did I do wrong? Why is this so hard for me? It's what our bodies are made to do!"

I bet you feel broken.

I bet you've lost count of all the negative pregnancy tests, and all the tears you've cried.

I'm so sorry if this is your journey right now. It's so hard. It's so hard. 

As alone as you feel right now, please know that there are millions of other woman (and men) out there who feel the exact same way. Who are making the exact same life changing decisions when the outcome is so unknown. Dealing with the same uncertainty and heartache. Infertility is one of the most isolating, gut-wrenching, stressful, sad, and all consuming conditions out there. Because as badly as you want to give up, throw your hand up and say "F%&CK IT!", walk away and never look back...you can't. Because the alternative to the trecherous road you're on now, is a future without your baby. And if you're reading this now...I know you're not there yet. That you'd rather keep driving down the road, even though you don't know where you're going to end up. And that is simply amazing and so brave.

In my experience, the hardest thing about Infertility is that you have no control. It's not something you did wrong. You can't just try harder. The one thing that made going through IVF easier for me was I came to the realization that other than deciding what kind of treatment we were going to undergo and when...the rest wasn't up to me. I couldn't control if it worked or if it didn't. Our deciding factor on undergoing the holy grail of fertility treatments (IVF) was I never wanted to have to look back and say, "What if". So we jumped in head first. All I could do was be as healthy as possible, trust my doctors, and Let It Be. 

You're not alone. It's ok to be sad. To cry. To be frustrated, and angry. As hard as our journey was (and will be, because we do want another baby someday) I am so incredibly blessed that I walked the path that I did. When I first saw my daughter's heartbeat on the ultrasound screen, I knew what a miracle she was. When my belly started to grow, and I felt her tiny feet kick me for the first time, I realized how incredibly lucky I was. When I saw her sweet face, and heard her cries when she was born, I felt a love for her so deep, I thought I might burst. I fully, and completely appreciate her. I counted my blessings every day I was pregnant, and I continue to count them now, everyday, because I really truly thought it would never happen. But it did. 

Don't give up. It's going to be hard. It's going to be scary. But it's going to be so worth it. I would do it all over again a million times for my sweet girl. 

You can do this. One day at a time. One treatment at a time.

You've got this...and I've got your back.

Hugs,

Amanda

 

All images were found on Pinterest, and I do not claim them as my own.